Call me arrogant and cynical

There are angels out there, or at least some people will tell you there are.  I saw a short public access programme last night and it kept replaying as I was walking in the hills today. (Very tenuous link to hill walking, I know)  In the TV program a woman assured us all that animals have spirits, like humans are supposed to, that live on beyond their deaths.  This woman knew this to be true because she once saw a cat that was dead and when she looked again it wasn’t there.

“Now call me arrogant and cynical, because, well…I am.”  Bill Hicks

I think this is typical of the sort of “Pick’n’mix,” attitude some people have to religion.  They just choose the bits they like and throw away the rest.  You see people driving around with Native American dream catchers in the windscreens of their cars.  As I understand it dream catchers are there to stop nightmares getting at you as you sleep. Now, might I suggest, if you are driving a car the best way of avoiding nightmares is to stay awake because well … you are driving a car, idiot!

Now the woman who said animals have souls, may I say I think this concept needs a little work, I don’t think she’s thought it through.  Which animals have souls?  All of them?  Not just the cuddly ones.   Okay, cats and dogs and horses.  Let’s take them as read, but what about fish, or bumble bees, or fleas or mosquitos do they have souls because if they do there’s going to be a hell of a lot of them and heaven.

And here’s another one, the Candiru fish, do they have souls?  In case you’ve not heard of them the Candiru fish is a South American species that swims up your penis and lives in your bladder by driving a spike into it.  (I thought that little snippet deserved to be in bold because I certainly wouldn’t want to miss it)  There is controversy about whether this is true or not but since a friend told me about the fish I’ve not been near water for months.  No showers or baths for me, I’m getting dry cleaned from now on because if there is the slightest possibility that this is true I’m giving water a very wide berth.

bladder fish

Now that’s got to sting!

Click here to listen to the audio version of this blog http://johndburns.podomatic.com/player/web/2012-08-19T12_04_51-07_00  with shout outs to KittyDrunkdrunk, Belle Delmote and Bunnyandporkbelly.

People can now believe anything they want, there are folk who can cure your illnesses by waving crystals at them, they can read your aura, and hot stones can save you from piles.  Sounds great to me, next time there’s someone hurt in a car crash we’ll call the crystal ambulance shall we, all that traditional medicine is so yesterday.

I heard another woman proclaim that she believed in angels.  I don’t think she was too bothered about the god stuff that goes with angels I think she just liked the idea of people with wings.  I’m an atheist but if there were angels I think they’d kind of come as part of a package with Christianity and sin and stuff, but maybe I’m just being picky.

So, as far as the lady who thought animals have souls is concerned she’s put me right off heaven.  As far as I can see it would be infested with mosquitos who, it turns out, are immortal.  Imagine that, if you swat them they just get up, dust themselves off and come right back at you.  There would also be some very awkward reunions.

“Hey remember me!  Oh the malaria that finished you off?  Yes sorry that was me.  Well you did leave the window open. There you were sleeping and I thought, just one little sip, what harm can it do? And there you go ba ba boom! Sorry.”

And as for the showers in heaven, forget it.

What New Age beliefs rile you, I’d love to know?